Things I Can't Do

I was asked recently, "Michelle, what can't you do?" I thought this was a really interesting question because most of the time people want to talk about and are proud of what they CAN do. So I thought I'd try and list some things I can't do.

• I can't dance. This was confirmed by a coworker the other day when he told me I can't. I said "How did you know that?" He responded with, "I can just tell by the way you carry yourself." Gee, thanks. I carry myself like a person with no rhythm apparently.
• I can't lie. I suck at it. It is very very difficult for me to lie. And when I do, the Catholic guilt takes over and I end up confessing.
• I can't play sports. Never could. I am terribly athletically retarded. I am particularly bad at: basketball, soccer, baseball, tennis, swimming (I can barely stay afloat), football, volleyball and running. The few sports I can do are floor hockey, field hockey (I did play that in high school), water skiing, snow skiing, and badminton. If you consider those sports.
• I can't drive a stick shift.
• I can't park (normal or parallel).
• I can't sing.
• I can barely whistle.
• I can't speak a different language.
• I can't spell.
• I can't do math. I'm awesome at logic, but I suck at math.
• I can't program computers. I always wished I could, because I love to program databases. I always wished I could write programs that would run my databases.
• I can't eat oranges. I know a lot of people are thinking "that's not a can't, that's a won't." But no, it's true. I CAN'T eat oranges. If I do, I vomit. I blame my mother.
• I can't paint. I really wish I could. I think I will take a class someday.
• I can't play the piano. I started to teach myself about 2 years ago, but didn't get that far.
• I can't tolerate people hating me. Even if I hate them, for some reason I feel compelled to make them like me. This has caused a lot of problems in my life and is something I need to get over.
• I can't process audio very well. I'm a visual learner. I like to watch movies with the subtitles on and I try to read song lyrics so I can truly understand the meaning behind things. I think this has something to do with my English background.
• I can't do carpentry. I love fixing things, and I really wish I knew how to build things. I would definitely take a class if I could.
• I can't fold paper. I always mess it up. I can never get the corners to be just right.
• I can't do a cartwheel, round over or walk on my hands. I used to be so jealous of my friends that could do that.
• I can't juggle. Yes, I've tried several times.
• I can't crochet or knit.
• I can't wake up in the mornings. I am a night person.
• I can't ride a horse, even though we owned them most of my childhood.
• I can't understand people with thick accents. I always feel sorry for these people, especially if they are employees at my company because I am constantly asking them to repeat or spell words. I think this has to do with the fact that I lack the ability to process audio.
• I can't french braid my own hair.
• I can't vote for a Democrat. :)
• I can't let an email sit unanswered. If I get an email at work, I answer it the minute I see it. If I don't answer, it means I haven't seen it. I've had complaints from employees because I will be sitting there talking to them and will drop everything to answer an email that comes in. I think it is because I like to get things off my plate as soon as possible, because if I let it sit there, it will get ignored. I probably answer over 100 emails a day and frequently get compliments about my responsiveness. Little do they know it's a horrible OCD complex!
• I can't raise just one eyebrow or touch my tongue to my nose. I can, however, tie a cherry stem into a knot inside my mouth.
• I can't climb the rope in gym class.
• I can't do a pull up.
• I can't play Dance Dance Revolution but I'm pretty darn good at Guitar Hero.
• I can't ever have the last word when it comes to banter with Sarah.